I now have Carly Simon’s dulcet tones ringing in my head but reflection on what’s gone and what’s yet to come seems to befit this time of year. This time last year I was in a very bleak place emotionally and my confidence was at a low ebb worn away by months of high anxiety. 2011 for all its slings and arrows has been quite healing in many ways. We have had help from a lovely psychologist specialising in brain injury who has helped us to have a better understanding of what’s going on. It doesn’t always help to know why something is happening but it never hurts.
A combination of this and my own craftiness (you can take this as cunning or my incessant need to make things) seems to have had
the desired effect an inspirational effect on John and his initial small decorative efforts have stretched his artistic muscles to the point where, as I write, he is in the shed painting again. Not only that but he has renewed his Minigallery subscription and has done most of the adminny bits he needed to do to get it to go live. These are huge, seven-league-boot steps forward and I don’t think any of them could have been achieved if I was still going out to work.
I am sharing my own personal favourite which I am linking to – not everyone is comfortable with the human form, so if you aren’t don’t click please. This was painted back in 2005 from a drawing done of me back in 2004 or 2003 and it sold very quickly, too quickly to a lady in London. I wanted to look at it for a bit longer; who doesn’t want to see themselves so beautifully depicted?
Today I did something amazing. I did something, for me, so mind-blowing I can’t quite take it in.
This just the smallest step but this evening I genuinely feel as though by the end of this year (perhaps sooner) I will be a driver. I can hardly believe I drove. I started the engine. I moved off from the kerb, waited for an oncoming bus and then pulled around the parked car and drove down the road. Okay, the lovely Rhona was telling me exactly what to do at every tiny stage of the way and my legs didn’t really know what they were doing but I didn’t panic, I didn’t cry, I stayed calm and even (sshh) enjoyed it, something I could not have anticipated, even this morning.
I am still picturing myself making the car go in broadly the right direction with something of a sense of glee. Apparently this has made me very smiley today. This, as you all know, happens very rarely. Today, therefore, is a good day.
I am feeling very odd.
Today was the first day back at work and of course, I am not there. To say that this is, in many ways, a huge relief is a massive understatement. The relief is tinged with real fear about the future and I waiver wildly between feeling unusual optimism and the pit of despair. Ho hum. To give up a job, any job, seems foolish and melodramatic but to give up something that is making you sick to the bottom of your soul ….
Aside from all the mental turmoil, today I have achieved the following:
- steam cleaned the kitchen
- reported our broken boiler and am awaiting boiler repairman (no mean feat when you are not even inclined to let your own mother into the house of doom)
- tidied the living room (almost took down tree but twelth night paranoia stopped me)
- made lentil soup with Christmas ham stock
- phoned Carers Champions
- phoned Simply Counselling (a counselling service for stroke survivors and their families)
I thought I was on a fairly even keel with it all but when I was leaving Simply Counselling a message I got quite choked. I do feel robbed and bereft and angry, so very angry …
I am now waiting for DWP to phone so I may do some baking – it’s a bit like fags and buses – they are bound to phone when I am elbow deep in flour.
In other news, Adult Social Care have granted me a lovely amount of money in order to purchase some driving lessons, so hooray for them
For every season there is change, change, change.
To all my friends I have recently said goodbye to, until I started working for schools this was a significant part of my life and this seems like the right time to start again.
I have been low and unwell for most of the holidays but am now beginning to feel a little better. Some might say that this has all been a reaction to the lack of adrenaline (stress); let me assure you there has been no real lack of stress.
As some of my blog friends will know John has had another stroke (October 15th) and as we are still, only now, beginning to really pick apart the problems that his first two strokes have left him with; things are not easy in the house of Weevil
So time to get back to basics: time to write and read; time to grow and sow; time to love and be loved.
A very happy New Year to all of my friends, old and new.