Milestones
It’s three months today since John’s last stroke. He’s not up yet so by the end of the day that milestone may have been superceded by another; the diagnosis of a possible vascular weakness that has not yet been located or identified is just a bit like a ticking timebomb.
When I started writing Sheweevil life was very different, not easier but less dominated by limitations. We still hoped to go and live somewhere far flung and be a bit self sufficient but those dreams included us both contributing “each according to our ability” with those abilities being fairly evenly matched and nicely complimentary.
Now, daily life: a trip to the shops, a day out at the beach, a meal, all have to be planned in meticulous detail. It seems difficult even to remember life before strokes. I could weep for the man I have lost who is, in so many ways, still here and in subtle and strange ways, absent. It is not what I expected.
When you promise to love someone in sickness and in health if you think about it at all you might, perhaps imagine a tragic ending, an early death or a horrible disease. What you do not expect, what I did not expect, was a series of incremental and kaleidoscopic changes that lead me from Picasso’s Femme aux Bras Croisés to his Portrait of Dora.
We can only minimise risk and mitigate damage. It feels a lot like holding your breath with your fingers, toes and legs crossed whilst trying not to fall over and all this while trying to conduct a normal family life – today it feels like a big ask.
You are one of my role-models, you know, the the battle of life. You keep on keeping on with such grace. I know it’s all one can do at the end of the day as the choice is to simply stop. But you haven’t done that. Much love to you all.
Sometimes the idea of just stopping is quite tempting, though. Thank-you for your love and kind words – obviously feeling low today, don’t know why unless it’s the sunshine or lack thereof.
You give me food for thought madam, just as you did four or five years ago when I first started reading.
ty xx